Darker Souls
by Leider Hosen
Summary: The Souls Series- where did it go wrong and how can we make it right again?
1. Old Iron Badass

A/N: Hello. This was made in the spirit of "Our Dark Thoughts" by Alone in the Blight, though I've decided to handle this one on my own. After yet another bolt of inspiration from listening to Dark Souls OST, I'm opening a new collaborative. The Topic? There were a lot of really just- not good ideas in Dark Souls 2- even some of the other games had things that were either unbalanced, out of place, or just plain not fun.

So, if we were on the herp derp Troll Soft dev team, what would we do differently? If we had the authority to dictate the final product, how would we make it better?

Submissions can be made Via PM, DocX, review, or carrier pigeon (if you happen to own one).

To tell you the truth, I've been going through a lot of tough shit- especially from my fuckhead sister. I'm having trouble getting up and continuing to update my stories, or coming up with new ones- doing anything some days is just completely un-fucking-bearable. I was going to write a new duel today- Gwyn vs. Manus following the reading of a piss-poor attempt to characterize the resident god of darkness, but I'm just too fed up with life to try it right now.

As you can tell, the actual content below was written when I was in a better mood…

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I'll start off the thread with one of my FAVORITE BOSSES OF ALL TIME:

Old Iron Bitchass: This boss, just- ugg, how could a creature with a theme and backstory so good have such a generic, lousy execution excuse for a boss? And the lava deaths- oh the lava deaths! I've already ranted in many a place on how much i dislike him, but what would i do differently to turn Old Iron Bitchass into Old Iron BADASS?

For starters, the theme and backstory are really good, but Ye' olde devil design... scrap it. All of it, forget it existed, the same goes for the arena. The old iron king was struck down by the smelter demon (a fact revealed by said bastard's soul), and fell into the magma, where he was possessed by the spirits that lurk below. Why not make him a hybrid of sorts, like he fused with the magma- carrying a human aspect yet corrupt and distorted, which would be very, very dark souls, this is what i would envision him as:

He looks like a giant, humanoid figure- only he has no flesh or eyes that can be seen, his flesh simply a cracked, dried stony texture formed into a human body, though it would be a bit lopsided and uneven- like freshly cooled metal or magma formed into a statue in a near liquid state. He would still have the glowing eyes and and sharp, jagged teeth- but nix the goat snout.

He would be wearing armor, but it would be blackened and pitted- covered with lumps and boils of metal that stuck to it and welded on. You would also not that it is very warped and stretched- since he was obviously a lot smaller in human form, but expanded when he was possessed. Canceller Wellanger sells a weapon whose description states that the Old Iron King kept a massive armory of fine weapons as a show of strength- what if the mace you get from his soul is one such weapon- just make it blackened, pitted, and boiled like his armor to make it seem like it fell in with him.

Which leads me to another important detail that helps tell his story: a massive gash right through his armor and body from hip to shoulder from the Smelter Demon, a faint glow and trail of embers indicating their really is nothing left of the Old Iron King's original body, tough the scar remains as a reminder of his fall. Why? Because it looks epic, that's why!

Now, on to his area- again, keep the lava lake and the great Taurus statue overhead, only instead of the stupid ass lava lake area, you are lead down the path to a partially flooded smelter works (Old Iron Bitchass, soon to be Badass, is seen walking wading through the magma, so it isn't that deep). It would be a really industrial abandoned building, with a gaping hole in the wall and ceiling to let the light filter in, but it would still be pretty dark- with an ominous glow from ruptured smelters spewing molten metal across the floor and a few stairs going beneath the magma, hanging chains, discarded tools, and burnt corpses from old workers marking this as one of the places hit worst by the flood.

Now, combine a boss that fits the lore and an environment that does lava damage with a COUPLE of death drops and you get OLD IRON BADASS *nuclear explosion*:

You enter the fog, walking into an abandoned factory, the cutscene playing as the magma lake seen at the other side of the building where it broke off distorts and begins to fall away. A great mace headed by a lump of magma is thrust out, molten metal dribbling out as the petrified remains of a once mighty king rise from the depths, like a zombie awakening from slumber at your presence. the figure drags himself up from the lake into the building, magma hissing as it falls to the floor, the Old Iron Badass leaning upright to display the scar over his chest- the fatal blow that sent him into the lake.

The fight with Old Iron Badass has the faintest Elements of Old Iron Bitchass, but the main difference is that you will not get knocked into the magma unless you walk into the stairwell or stand too close to the broken out wall and get hit. You will get heavily damaged if you step into the pools and channels of molten metal around the area, so while it's not absolutely imperative you watch yourself, you still need to be wary of where you are and what you're doing.

Old Iron Badass still keeps his signature attacks for ranged and melee- namely the flame Kamehameha wave and great firebreath, but he now has a mace which deals good physical and flame damage, a heavy blow to the ground creating a great explosion of flame. Using magic on him is possible, but he will take exception to it and use his firebreath and flame lazor exclusively and in ample amounts.

He also has a super powerful form of Immolation he busts out every so often to keep you from trying to circle him, though he also has a mean backhand where his brings his hand out and does a great spin on his axis, smacking the player aside (and you do not want to get knocked around considering that hitting wrong spot would inflict massive damage and require you to heal up). When he activates immolation, he telegraphs a great charge of fire, explodes for a great AoE, then proceeds to shamble after you with a great swathe of flame erupting around him, his skin cracked open and seething energy with a bright orange glow. It wears off after a bit, but his ranged arsenal would keep a fleeing melee build on guard as he cools off.

Old Iron Badass is basically a gigantic, lumbering tank: massive defense and health with tremendous damage, but he is pretty slow due to his lopsided and inorganic body (statues don't run). His openings to attack are much the same, though you have to watch out for his immolation and backhand when you exploit his flame kamehameha and firebreath, both of which have great tracking and range.

And, if you Leeroy Jenkins him upfront and personal, you must beware his vertical slamming attack with his mace- as the ensuing explosion would catch you even if the attack itself missed unless you time it right. And of course, Old Iron Badass can still bitchslap you with his off hand, complete with a good old grab move. Since he's a former tyrannical ruler with an iron fist, I'd picture this: he grabs you, smashes you into the ground, then stomps the bejeezus out of you with his iron bootheel before kicking you into oblivion- and possibly fiery magma.

You get the joy of fighting an unstoppable melee tank with an excellent environmental advantage and iron, and FIRE! with a booming industrial theme complete with the bang of chimes to emulate the pounding of a hammer in the old ironworks only 1,000,000,000,000,000 times more dynamic and fun.

I seriously can't be the only one with good ideas to improve our great souls universe, com'on people! We can do it!


	2. Gwyn Mrk2

A slight tweak to the great lord Gwyn suggested by Mr. Selfish…

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Haha, genius!

The first thing that comes to my mind is Gwyn. Taking away the ability to use anything in your left hand for the entirety of the fight would make the boss pretty fun! No parrying, blocking, or any other cheap tactic you would refer to in order to beat the boss. Just mano y mano!

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I'll object to inexplicably losing your left arm's ability to move, but you could achieve the same thing by making him impossible to parry (even if you hit his weapon at the right time, you will simply take limited damage as though you missed). You could also give him a mean guard-breaker he will use anytime you try to block the Lord of Sunlight (he's a fucking god, you'd think he could breech a bit of steel or metal). You'd be free to try a parry or block, but it would be_ far_ less effective, the game rewarding you for being aggressive and headstrong like Gwyn.

And another thing- keep the pillars of rock, but nix the ones that let you attack him from cover, now THAT would be a bitch :3


	3. A Queen sized Bed of Chaos

A light and gentle critique of everyone's fiery bed of destruction by the fabulous ASouffléToServeTwo :3

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_**Everything Wrong With The Bed of Chaos, and How From Could Have Made it Better**_

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**Number 1: The Boss has no conventional weakpoints**

This is a rather obvious criticism, but one that many have had with the flaming mattress of death. Like the Dragon God before it, The Bed cannot be beaten by a varying playstyle. One does not simply kill the Bed of Chaos. No, instead you have to destroy the random-ass orange spheres to make the boss vulnerable - even then all you have to do is hit the Chaos Bug in the core to beat it.

IT LACKS INNOVATION! It makes every player kill the boss in the exact same way, removing all the elements of free play from a Role-Playing Game - fail.

**Solution**: Alright, I'm not an idiot. I know that this boss is only structured in this way because the developers ran out of time and had to ship the product. Nonetheless, the solution is simple TIME-SPENDING. If they wanted to make the boss immobile, then they could have at least given us places to attack e.g. the arms after they slam down, the face, the roots etc.

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**Number Two: The Boss restricts unique playstyles**

This leads on from my previous point. The Bed of Chaos has huge, barely block-able and fundamentally-undodgeable attacks, meaning that anyone lacking a shield and sufficient poise is going to SUFFER. Mage, Cleric and Pyromancer classes are practically subjugated in this fight, what with the weakpoints being clearly designed for melee.

This is unacceptable in a game that encourages creative builds.

**Solution:** Pretty much the same as before: add weakpoints for ranged weaponries, and reduce the insane distances and damage dealt by its attacks. Although, this leads nicely onto another problem...

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**Number Three**: **The boss is completely immobile - and pretty unthreatening as a result**

Were you afraid of the Bed of Chaos? I doubt it. The only terrifying thing about this boss is the thought of replaying its utter tedium. This fault lies with the design; since the Bed is immobile, and can't even hit you unless you're trying to attack its weakpoints, there is no real tension between strikes like there was with other bosses.

From originally designed the Bed to be fully-mobile, and it looked much more creepy as a result.

**Solution:** Go with the original design! Goodness knows what possessed From to force Dark Souls out of the gate in October 2011 when the game clearly needed work in many areas. The original Bed of Chaos chased you around the arena. Bring this back, and you have a much better boss fight!

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**Number Four: The atmosphere is lackluster**

The arena in which you fight everyone's favourite magma mattress is rather boring - what with it being a Lord Soul boss and all. Having a destructive environment in such a bombastic battle was no bad idea, but when you have cheap collapsing floors instead of a much more fair alternative, you know you've missed a golden opportunity.

Like I've said before, the Bed is completely unthreatening, and it should scare the LIVING CRAP out of you, just like Nito, Seath and the Four Kings do.

**Solution**: Remove the destructible floors from the centre of the room and change them out to the sides. But instead of there being instant-death below, have a sea of lava beneath them like in Lost Izalith, where you can take damage but escape without FUCKING INSTANTLY DYING. This gives the atmosphere a more epic-feel - Revenge of the Sith lava fight, anybody? - Without venturing into tedium territory.

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**Number Five: The boss is incredibly cheap and does not reward good play**

Ever fought the Bed of Chaos? Been knocked into the collapsible chasms over ten times for an instant kill? If you're shaking your head, you are a liar. Let's face it - this boss is cheap.

I don't want to sound like a mega-scrub by using this term, but it truly does apply here:

The Bed of Chaos is ARTIFICIALLY DIFFICULT. One mistimed roll, and you're out for the count. With other bosses, you can usually learn from your mistakes, encouraging an adaptive playstyle.

Not this time. Not even mentioning the fire pillars, which it can use AT ANY TIME, and strike you for flabbergasting damage on 95% of instances. You're not even safe inside the core. You can be five seconds away from killing the Chaos Bug and winning, when BAM! FIYAAAAHHH BITCH! And there's nothing you can do.

If it decides to use it, then fuck you basically - a big fuck you from From to its fanbase.

**Solution**: Pretty much a complete overhaul of the boss! Using the original, mobile design would remove cheap moves and install an entirely-new set, whilst getting rid of the collapsing instant-death pits would get rid of the tedium associated with one-hit kills.

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**Number Six: The theme is terrible**

Not really much to say here, apart from what I've implied. The theme is AWFUL.

Whilst the other Lord Soul themes reflect the theme of their individual, unique fights - Nito's theme is eerie, slow and perilous; Seath's theme is an eccentric array of percussion, reflecting madness; The Four Kings' theme is a loud and fast beat, attuned with the idea of the boss' fast-paced action and urgency (killing the King before the next one comes) - the Bed of Chaos' tune is a dull, samey choir piece that doesn't really represent the grandeur of fighting within a ruined city, and the whole thing seems too cinematic for such a lazy ass piece of crap as the Bed.

**Solution**: Easy. MAKE A BETTER TUNE. Try and really capture the intensity of fighting such a lore-important boss. I'm no music expert, so I'll leave that to reviewers or Hosen.

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**Number Seven: The boss is a wasted opportunity**

I think we've all thought it once. 'Wouldn't it have been much cooler to fight a demented Pyromancer witch than a giant tree monster?' And yes, I believe it would.

No offense intended to the Green Fingered amongst you, but I think an opportunity was missed in this fight to really represent the raw power of the primal pyromancers, like we were shown in that EPIC prologue. Imagine fighting a twisted and corrupted Witch of Izalith in the crumbling ruin of her magnificent city, as she stumbled after you throwing awesome, unique pyromancies your way. IT COULD HAVE BEEN EPIC. But instead, we got a tree. Yawn.

**Solution**: Again, this may require a large retooling of the game. After the Firesage, Discharge and Centipedes, most players were feeling the fire fatigue. So they should remove Ceaseless and Firesage completely, cutting the number of fire bosses to a more acceptable two. Centipede can stay, because I dig that fight, but the other two's attacks could be put to better use in a revamped Izalith battle.

And that's pretty much it! I'll let you off easily this time, BoC ya piece of shite. Thanks for reading, and to Hosen for inviting me to partake in this extravaganza! :D

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You're welcome, and them are some brilliant observations my good sir! I should expect nothing less.

As a matter of fact, I found a theme that actually would be a great baseline for the new and improved bed of chaos- you won't expect it- I guarantee- you ready? Here it is:

The Royal Rat Authority: Think about it, it's a deep, dark, melancholy theme with a very eerie chorus and heavy, booming notes-

Imagine having this theme booming loud and deep in the background while you're running around the arena flailing your arms and screaming "Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! How do I kill this thing!?" while the great bed of chaos shambles after you, crawling forward with its jerky, creepy movements and stopping every so often to lunge, stomp it's great arm, or give you a great wallop from the sides?

That would be a very tense fight indeed, especially if you gave it a barrel roll/bellyflop if you tried to crawl under it or to the sides? That would make it a tremendous threat and give its great size an actual air of danger as you said.

Troll soft wanted to have a multistage boss with targeted weakpoints? The orbs on the sides represent two of the daughters of chaos, how about saying the bed of chaos rears up on its "legs" and the orbs (daughters of chaos) unleash a massive torrent of fireballs or the great flame scythes of the original?

You have two options: continue attacking the beds body, or attack the orbs (you could use range or climb up the bed if you're fast enough) to do a massive amount of bonus damage and stop it from using pyromancies at the risk of getting hit on the way there.

Whether or not you break the orbs, the bed of chaos could "die", the whole thing lighting up and burning away- until the "head" of the dying bed of chaos splits open, a blackened, deformed Witch of Izalith emerging from the top-

She could show a kinship to Quelaag in the respect her robes have been burned away and her body deformed, her lower body encased in a great tangle of vines and branches- now ignited and smoldering black.

When I saw the bed of chaos, my first thought was "where's the _fucking_ witch!?"

Imagine if you had to now run around the arena, a deformed witch floating over the ground at a speed that would make Ornstein weep with a Jetstream left behind that uses all manner of ancient pyromancies and "flame sorceries", while the vines all around the room and ceiling caught fire and fell around the arena, a rain of ashes falling as the player tries to fight this master sorceress.

And let's not forget the best part of the fight when you defeat the former witch of Izalith: you kill her, the last of the branches fall away with the lifebar at but a speck as the music stops.

The chaos bug emerges from the branches, and thus begins the fight of your very life! The chaos bug slowly worm flops at you, nibbling at your ankles and doing a bellyflopping headbutt, complete with a little croaking growl as it mighty strips you of your very 1/100 of a lifebar X3

The player could enjoy killing it when they're done laughing their ass off.

*sigh* too bad we're not really on the dev team, that would be a great fight :3


	4. Deadlier Death God

A/N: Inspired to make another entry, I bring you a boss that I felt had everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING going for it, but fell on its face since Troll Soft made his fight disappointingly easy and boring. I am speaking, of course, about Gravelord Nito, who really deserves fight to complement his lore, aesthetic, and theme.

As you can see, I'm formatting this in the style of Souffle because it looks really gorgeous and helps a lot, and I may reformat Old Iron King as Well.

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_**Where the Troll Soft dev team fucked up Gravelord Nito and how to fix it…**_

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**1). The Skeleton Buddies are tools**

These guys were pretty goddamn disappointing in terms of adding to the difficulty. The only skeletons in the room that chase you down are three regular skeletons that go down in a couple of hits, whose only real outstanding quality is that they come back to life unless you use a divine weapon, which is pretty pathetic.

As for the "More dangerous skeletons", again they are the fairly weak giant skeletons, who go down when you or the boss uses a divine weapon easily. Worst of all, they aren't even summoned- they just stand around in the arena waiting for you to show up.

**Solution**: Instead of having the skeletons just standing around, have the gravelord actually summon them- the player getting to watch as their bones are dredged from the ground and assemble into monsters. Also, replace the piss easy baby skeletons with their meaner cousins: hellhounds and bonewheels.

Of course, the hellhounds would be way too deadly, so fix that by having their summoning be very slow and telegraphed, so the player has the chance to run in and interrupt the gravelord via stunlock

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**2) Nito's HP and defenses are too low**

Nito's health is so fucking low it's ridiculous. He's the _god of death_ and yet a puny steel greatsword can take huge chunks out of his lifebar?

**Solution**: Easy, set the health and defenses to accommodate for a very, very high level build rather than tooling him for a mid-level fighter.

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**3) The miasma of death isn't that deadly**

Seriously From? Seriously? His greatest attack and signature move from the prologue is a slow, generic, heavily telegraphed charge attack that inflicts maybe a quarter of your health in damage at the worst? Worse still, it only really succeeds in sweeping his skeleton buddies aside- so his greatest attack paradoxically makes the fight _easier_

**Solution**: Bring back the death miasma from the prologue! Instead of the generic charge and burst, have the slow moan play out as he charges a little and raises his arms and gravelord sword- then have the miasma flow over the ground and swirl around him.

Rather than give it the same old scream from the death heads- instead give it a long, deep wail like a banshee with a really beastly sound of roaring wind. Then just have it expand from the gravelord and rapidly grow in intensity until a single touch will kill you instantly- you could even give it a special death animation where you rot into a corpse and fall in a pile of bones before your very eyes-

This adds a tactical element because it only hurts you- but the skeleton buddies are already dead and can run at you while you're retreating. If you let the hellhounds spawn, that could be a problem.

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**4) Nito fights like a grandpa**

Yeah, he's made of bones but I can't for the life of me understand why Troll Soft gave Nito- one of the most powerful of the four lords- the slowest fucking attack speed and most ineffective moveset in the whole goddamn game.

He turns so slow he practically _begs_ to be flanked, his attacks go right over your head pretty much every time he attacks you, and his one move that can hit you upfront and personal and is a considerable threat is the grab- which you have to bait for 20+ minutes just for the novelty of seeing it!

He's just so slow and clunky it makes fighting him with melee just pitiful, interrupted only by the miasma of "death" upon occasion.

**Solution**: Speed his attacks up greatly, so he actually swings with the speed of something like Velstadt or the Smelter demon, and drop the charge time for the gravelord sword plunge so that you get far less warning beyond the scream.

Imagine fighting him- then shrieking as he suddenly flips up on his hind legs and slams into the ground without warning, the scream sounding as the sword jumps up- all in under five seconds.

He also needs a major AI overhaul- make it so standing in front of him more than a few seconds after he swings his sword INSTANTLY triggers a grab at you- making it a move you constantly have to watch out for.

And if it's not a grab, you could give him the new and improved miasma of death or summoning, giving you no time to leisurely sit there and attack him from under his blade.

Give him a jumping move sends him far back away from you- followed by a charge of attacks. You would _have_ to roll at him to stay in his blindspot each time he leaps back, and missing a roll would allow him to punish you with his new and improved melee capabilities.

Or just the opposite: let him launch a volley of Gravelord swords if you cheese him as a mage, then give him a great leap towards you when you get close enough.

He would leave far less openings to attack and it would be far harder to find a grace period to heal and fight with him, and since he's able to distance himself, he would be able to hit you with that great sword of his.

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This is the Nito I envision fighting- imagine fighting a very powerful death god that's able to leap back and forth, towards and away from you to keep you vulnerable with his powerful melee moves.

You run under him to hit his belly- only to get crushed by his grab seconds later if you get too greedy with your hits. Standing close or at a range, you get mere seconds to react as he rears up and plunges his sword, the scream your sign to dodge as a sword flies out of the ground.

You get bogged down fighting him one on one- but if you get too distracted or run, he can summon the dead around him- putting hellhounds and bonewheels alongside him because you didn't run in and smash him as you would Artorias.

And just when it seems impossible as you fight the skeletons _and _Nito, the gravelord raises his arms and a sound like a wailing hurricane whips up, your character disintegrating before your eyes as you try to run while the bonewheels chase you down unphased.

Now _that_ is the Nito we all wanted :3


	5. Undead Kombat

A Grievance from Tau Warlord:

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Can we have an ACTUAL server/match browser?

But nooope. "Hey want to pvp? go wait in front of a statue like a dumb!"

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Sorry it took me an eternity to get off my ass and post this (;_;)

That would be a little tricky to pull off- not so much on PC, Elder Scrolls online already proved that much, but finding a system for console players that works better than the one in place would take some creativity.

Still- the massive abundance of complaints says arenas are getting there but there are still numerous fixes that are needed to ensure a fun and balanced time. For one- banning all healing in the arena, since that's the biggest complaint and who could blame you when most of the fight is running off to heal.

NPC red phantoms are a son of a bitch to kill- there's a reason they have been traditionally used as a challenge, so giving them human intelligence _and_ healing when the majority of them are cowards anyway just kills the premise of skill.

But enough about mechanics- how to make a fun, console friendly arena? Something that comes to mind for me is the "Book of the Guilty" from good old Dark Souls. You could have people wear a ring in a certain place, which indicate they want to fight (like a long range red soapstone).

Another person in their own world could talk to a plaque/statue/NPC and access a menu of everyone waiting for battle, then choose which opponent they want to go up against:

Here's the catch: there is no soul memory or level restrictor- you could be SL 59 and challenge an opponent SL 700 for the fun of it. Of course, you would need to set it so a person of low level could challenge a high level player but not the other way around so it doesn't become a never ending Pubstomp with the strongest preying on the weakest.

The opponent's stats would be open to the person selecting an opponent, including their equipment. This would encourage diversity because now someone could scroll down the list, spot a Havelyn, growl: "fuck off" at their screen, then look for someone with a more interesting/balanced build.

When the person chooses based on equipment, SL, or whatever else they would like to see (the list would have filters) they select them for battle, and both are summoned to the arena

Hope that sounds about right :3


	6. Minami Shots

Some Ideas from the lovely Houki Minami:

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How about a way to revive NPCs through bonfire? They are undead, after all. Or maybe a "boss hall of fame", like in Shadow of the colossus, where you can Access a hall full of statues of defeated bosses and fight them again in other modes, like 1-hit KO or time-limit/record? Since Quelaag is a spider, she could stick to a wall or the ceiling to make a attack, like in a Invincible attack. Sorry if some of these ideas are stupid or something. Great fanfic! I'll wait for more.

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Never fear! We're always glad to see new people and no idea is really a bad idea (there are exceptions- like the Friday song, Fifty Shades of Grey, and summer school). Loving Gakuen Lordran by the way :3

So, where to begin? I do think it's a little odd that the only Undead that seems to come back to life is the player- really the only reason NPC's permanently die is for plot purposes, mostly because sadistic Troll Soft loves to make the player sad. I definitely think NPC's should be allowed to respawn as the player does as part of the plot, perhaps the player could even prolong their lives by offering them effigies and healing items? In any case, you could do a lot with that.

As for fighting bosses multiple times and have thought of it myself- I love the idea, but it doesn't seem at home in Dark Souls since the mechanic is usually found in fighting games. _But_ there is an alternative that would work well while being Lore friendly: the Souls series is always finding new covenants and pacts to liven the world, so you could create a covenant that focuses on hunting boss monsters:

The player could enter a boss room after defeating it themselves, then use a special eye orb to invade a sort of limbo world where the boss creature is still alive. Time is convoluted in the Souls universe, so it wouldn't be too great a stretch to imagine such a thing being possible. Needless to say, your phantom would be enfeebled while the boss would be much stronger- perhaps special rings worn during the invasion could change different aspects of difficulty? (taking/inflicting less damage, having limited time, equipment capacity is lowered, etc.)

For every creature you defeat, you gain a special token with correlates to their level and how many handicaps you had active, Great Souls with many rings giving you a stronger token.

Like with the Chaos Servant's Roster, you could view a board of covenant members and their rankings based on fastest time, most handicaps, least damage taken- for fans of Hi Scores and competition without directly beating up another player :3

As for Quelaag, I really agree completely- there's no reason why she couldn't climb walls and have a special unblockable attack. Since she's the daughter of a primordial lord, she could use special destructive pyromancies over a long distance that either guardbreak you or leave a magma splash to bypass your shield, though the latter would be a little more fitting considering the Fair Lady.

She could also have a leaping attack that drops down on you and does enormous damage, like the Gaping Dragon.

Again, thanks for reviewing, may the flames guide thee :3


	7. Attack of the Lazor

Mxthomas RAGE:

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This is a grievance I would like to express.

**The Dukes Dear Freja.**

She was far to easy for what she was made out to be. I mean really, her attacks were easily avoided, her spider minions were pretty much one-shot kills, and she rarely moves.

AT ALL.

**Solution**: Make her actually chase you and not just sit there alternating her heads.

Have a greater amount of spider minions. And for god sake... BUFF THE FUCKING BEAM ATTACK. No not 'nerf'. BUFF IT. It was weak and was so predictable you could see it from a mile away!

There. Im done ranting now.

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Vas!? Buff teh Lazor Beem? Bud- bud I donot leik bein lazored!

Seriously though, that thing is an instadeath as it is! Well, maybe it's just me- now my closing remarks where I talk about stuff:

I agree wholeheartedly- the spiderlings don't raise difficulty, merely give you a 20sec nuisance, and as matter of fact- FREJA DOES NOT MOVE! She swings around like a teeter totter of doom and occasionally skitters in a circle, but she does not change her position throughout the entire fight (she was meant to mimic the immobile armor spider, but that fight was actually _good_). After fighting her more three times and watching her fight Mr. Boyd, I can assure you of that.

Well, that's not completely the case- a rather reliable source has politely pointed out that Freja can jump, but I still say it needs to be more incorporated into her moveset and appear a lot more often more consistently. And while she does jump, she doesn't walk, which she does need to do.

Having her pursue you around the area and having a steady, infinite flow of spiderlings repel down the ceiling around the area would make the fight a lot more interesting and difficult- you would actually have to either keep the area cleared throughout the fight or finish Freja off quickly before you get mobbed.

You could also speed up Freja's turn speed and give her a few leaping attacks to keep you on your feet- as for the lazor- I don't think it needs an attack buff, but I think you could give her a few variations and incorporate it into her expanded moveset- like a jump followed by a fast shot, or maybe give her a stomp that unleashes moonlight waves (her lazor is from Seathe's soul anyway, so it would make sense)

Giving her a variety of lazor attacks instead of the same old ho hum super one shot death beam across the way and actually turning it into a full moveset would be cool as hell-

fuck a big armored spider with a cheap sweeping lazor, here comes a sprinting armored arachnid that fires beams and rays from every orifice following every dive, leap, and lunge- with an army of spiders repelling from their hive with the soul intention of making your life hell.

Something tells me that's how the devs pictured her, since she is an Old one afterall- they just need a good boot in the rectum to get their ideas out at their full potential.

Good one, Thomas :3


	8. Return of the Skeleton Buddies!

Mxthomas rage _double kill_:

* * *

Yes. I have more to bitch about.

**The Rotten**

Now I don't know about you guys but I found him to be just as easy as Freja. He's big, slow, and hurts like bitch. (Emil...if I hear one dick joke out of you...) But he's soooooooo easy to bait and if you have arrows, spells or any kind of ranged attack he just becomes trivial.

And if you cut off his arms, the fight becomes utterly boring.

**Solution**: Make him faster for one. Also since he's made of corpses, why don't a couple fall off and chase you around the room?

There. Done.

* * *

As a matter of fact, the Rotten took the coveted Top Ten Souls trophy for best boss in Dark Souls II, but you make some good points. He's already pretty speedy, but giving him a little extra plus great _turn _speed would make it nigh impossible to outrun him.

I have no idea what possessed Troll Soft to make a boss nerfable by slicing off their bloody arms, so yeah, that goes bye bye.

And finally, having him break apart into deformed corpses that chase you around is awesome in a morbid way so I'm on board with that- especially because they would become spiritual successors to the skeleton buddies of Gravelord Nito

Three down, one to go ;3


	9. Jabba the Covetous

A pleasant and mellow review by the sophisticated ParagonEmil…

* * *

Cynical, eh? I just came home from a 4 hour long party... Bitch please, man! XD

I hate a DREADFUL thing about DkS2... Jabba the Hutt. That Covetous Demon is the most uninspired, unoriginal and BORING filler boss I've ever seen! It has a re-used/re-mixed soundtrack, has a slow and predictable moveset, has a garbage way of cheesing it (which it doesn't need) and even has a copy-pasta'd design!

What was From thinking when they put this thing in? "Oh, let's put in a boss that looks EXACTLY like Jabba, just with teeth, let's give it a floppy and boring moveset, with a re-mixed theme, have it move in an awkward way, give it uninspired lore, and guess what? A way of CHEESE, just as an excuse for a fat joke in the middle of it!" I mean the thing ate its way to becoming that... Or it hungered so bad for a woman's love that he turned into a eating machine... Like that makes sense...

HE EVEN BELLY-FLOPS FFS!

How to fix it? Remove it. No one will miss that filler garbage anyway.

* * *

For once, I agree 100%, the Covetous Demon has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to the story and doesn't even offer a good fight or reward for defeating it.

If Troll Soft wants a demon that represents gluttony, that's cool- just so long as they come up with a _good_ boss to represent it!

There are a lot of symbolic bosses in the Souls series that were very, very cool- from King Allant representing the consequences of chasing power blindly, Smelter Demon representing the self-destructive and consuming conceit of man, Gwyn representing a once great ruler who can't accept that he is the ruler of a dying era- only to become a hollowed out husk like the dying era he rules over, and don't even get me started on Fool's Idol, you could almost write a book with how many symbols she could represent, the list goes on and on.

Basically, it can be done, but you'd need a 100% full overhaul of the entire boss to do justice to the concept, much like Old Iron King.

Thanks for that, Paragon :3


	10. Never gonna give you up

A/N: Never gonna let you down, never goin' to run around and _desert you_!

W00t m8? Nine chapters, seven of which we're created by you users? I didn't think this was really going to go that far, thanks for your support and half a _thousand_ views! Seriously, you people are all awesome, so I bring you another special chapter by me (Much lousy singing will be sung)

* * *

_**The Demon of song, and why it was so terrible…**_

I'm sure that's a question we all asked ourselves- the Demon of Song could've been a positively brutal and amazing enemy to complement our time through the Shrine of Amana (I _liked _the shrine and even I found it nerve racking at times, especially that five archdrake zerg rush at the end of the first area!)

Even if you excluded our tendency to be masochists, that doesn't change the fact the Demon of Song was not only anticlimactic, but incredibly tedious to fight. Here's the main problems I found and ways to remedy them:

* * *

**1). The lore is lazy and not very compelling**: What a wasted opportunity- they come up with a freaky looking and unique boss- one of the few in Dark Souls II that actually felt like brought home the signature Souls "mindfuck scary boss monsters from your deepest nightmares" style- and they give it little to no Lore surrounding it-

You could summarize the entire thing as "it was a happy singing demon toad but then it got a taste for meat and wants to nom your face".

That's it- it has no great origins or backstory, little explanation for why it is there and why it hasn't escaped from the shrine thus far save the threadbare "it was an oddity that sung to the king in the scenic Shrine of Amana, but things went awry", rather than give a solution right now, it'll lead into the next major problem…

* * *

**2). There is no buildup**: Tell me something, were you hyped to fight the Demon of Song? No, probably not, and for good reason. The Demon of Song has no buildup to it- you just walk in the boss room and he's just- there.

Some of the best introductions for bosses in the Souls series were made great by one of two options: they were either referenced and alluded to over a period of time, so by the time you actually reach the fog gate you're piddling in preemptive terror (Gravelord Nito, anyone?)

Or the boss appears without warning and is so massive and terrifying you're first response is to freak out and reach for the nearest homeward bone (Gaping Dragon- you know you had a mini heart attack there)

Of course, you can't give every boss a massive entrance or terrifying lore, but for Gwyn's sake the Demon of Song had _nothing_- sure he looked a little creepy but he just didn't impress me, my response went as: "oh look, a boss."

**Solution**: the Demon of Song- the Demon of Song- it just has such a creepy and ominous ring to it. When I spotted the name surfing the interwebz, it immediately caught my interest and made me hesitant to fight it-

I thought it was either a creature with psychic powers and abilities, or perhaps a demon so deadly and powerful songs of it appeared in folklore as a warning to wayfarers everywhere- _maybe even both_!

Imagine if Troll Soft used that? If they said that the armies of Archdrake paladins and sorcerers all over the place that have been kicking your ass left and right were there to contain _the Demon of Song_- their item descriptions telling of a beast that had the order gripped in fear- thus they moved below to stop one of Aldia's demon that had gone rogue (and you know all the freaky shit that went on at Aldia's funhouse)

Imagine talking to the Melfinito, who speaks of the great Demon of Song who sung to the king to soothe his nerves, but something went awry and now it preys on anything that ventures too close. You could allude to victims of its hunger- or great destruction to the shrine caused by it (the shrine is ruined, maybe he is the cause?)

If you had to go through the massive shrine of Amana, encountering dozens of Archdrakes- seeing them so powerful yet so afraid of whatever was at the end of the way- that would build up tension to fighting the demon and make the fight a lot more memorable, like the journey into the chasm to fight Kalameet, who you know is really pissed off and ready to fight you with all he's got now that he's been felled by Gough's arrow. This leads me to another important point-

* * *

**3). The atmosphere is very bland**: So here's the environment you fight the Demon of Song in: a, big, round stone area with some water in it.

Yup, that's it-

And we'll give him an awesome, really scary and twisted theme to compliment him perfectly- that we will turn down super duper whisper quiet so no-one can hear it-

**Solution**: the best part about the Souls series is that the areas you fight the bosses in are not only interesting with a lot to look at, but they tell some of the boss's story- or at least the good ones do.

I agree with having a bowl shaped arena to fight the Demon of Song in to explain why it is stuck (it has armies of archdrakes warding one entrance and armies of ghost legionnaires on the other in the Undead Crypt) but it needs to have more going on with it-

You could have some big vines and decayed trees felled around in it, some more rough and uneven landscaping around the wall so it looks less blatantly like a wall and more like a natural rock formation, some plant life and foliage. Basically, turn it from "generic stone arena with water" into an actual swampland with all the plants and algae and trees.

Why is this area so murky while the rest of the shrine is so pristine? Give it a great veil of trees overhead to dim the sunlight with fallen rocks blocking the flow of water in and out (collapsed by the archdrakes to keep the beast in). A dim environment with stagnant water will get pretty mucky pretty fast, no matter how attractive the rest of the shrine looks.

And last but not least- bodies! Loads of dead, chewed up archdrake bodies to indicate a ton of people went into battle here to trap this demon and very few made it out.

Imagine walking through the fog, hearing this things dark and deformed theme roaring out before you see the boss, walking through the cave with your guard up, only to step out into this dark, decayed swamp basin filled with the rotting dead with this toad- wood- thing sitting there in the mire, watching you…

Now that the atmosphere and buildup of the fight have made you well and surrender all hope of sleeping that evening, comes he actual fight and the numerous mechanical blunders surrounding it…

* * *

**4). The fight lacks innovation**: of course, I'm borrowing this one from ASouffleToServeTwo, but this perfectly describes the utter tedium of this battle, and why it was just so- boring and unfulfilling.

This boss forces you to fight it the same way _every_ time no matter what your build since it is indestructible over its whole body save its face.

The whole fight is you waiting for its face to appear, attacking the face, letting it close its hood, then running around waiting for its face to appear again.

Rinse and repeat until dead- which may take awhile since this guy has a _GODLIKE _level of health-

The developers _knew_ this fight would be centered around patience and fleeing his attacks- which telegraph more than the entirety of Google's processing servers yet hit with the power of the Hiroshima bomb, which seems expressly created for the purpose of giving a big "fuck you" to melee builds everywhere (I swear, had I not had the dragonrider bow and hundreds of arrows I would've flipped my shit)

**Solution**: first of all, get rid of his cloak of invulnerability-

"Bud it mayks the fite mur interesting becuz it mayks it mur than just run and attack!" Says Yui-

"Neigh, you naïve casual!" I say, "Leave the invulnerable-until-weakspot-appears cliche for other games, but not Dark Souls! It is built around tactics and strategy, so why create a boss that runs entirely counter to that!"

"But I did that and the gamers loved-"

"Silence thyself Dragon God- you are not welcome here!" I say. What the fight really needs is _incentive _to attack the weakspot- you don't have to, but attacking the skin will only do about 25% the damage the face would take- meaning you are relatively safer attacking from the sides, but the fight will be a lot longer.

See, it's okay to make a fight tedious if you get the _option _to do so. If the arena is a lot more uneven and filled with obstacles, you could also try firing from the highground or using plunge attacks so while the Demon of Song may have godlike levels of health, you can pick from many different angles of attack and open opportunities to fire on it.

Since the thing is an absolute tank, it would offset its tendency to be an attack magnet from ranged or fast melee builds who can outmaneuver him. Which leads me to another major point:

* * *

**5). The Demon of Song should be more than a punching bag**: Lo, the Demon of Song should be more than a ragdoll to commemorate the misery of the Shrine of Amana. For one, the fight should not cater to ranged combatants- hence removing the invulnerability, but more than that- it needs to be a lot more dynamic but a lot less punishing.

Being ungodly slow and having all of four different attacks- each one able to cripple if not outright _one shot _a high level melee build is not new or interesting- it's just another way Troll Soft gives you the finger for trying to kill their precious monsters.

The Demon of Song should be able to overtake and beat on a build of any speed to make up for being an unwieldy target. It should telegraph less and move a lot more- like that body slam and diving belly flop attack, make that two or three times as fast, allowing him to cover the arena in an instant if you stop paying attention-

That would encourage even the swiftest builds to stay frosty, and if the demon has to turn really, really slow, give him the ability to jump back away to put some distance between him and the player, allowing him to get face to face and fight back. You could even have a player standing right next to him when he jumps back take heavy damage getting clipped by a leg.

Needless to say, higher speed should mean less damage- I'd say two or three direct hits to kill a level appropriate fighter is pretty fair- taking a third of large lifebar, maybe two thirds for a heavy attack- is very punishing, but survivable, allowing the player to get back on their feet and adapt to the situation.

Special attacks like the grab and water cannon should be left at their current preposterous level, but only because they telegraph and are special moves, so it makes sense they'd be so powerful. Now that we have a good arsenal or basic attacks, let's add a special (aside from the water gun)-

He gives you the spotted whip from his soul- which mimics a frog's tongue, yet the actual boss never uses his tongue as a weapon? Let's fix that and give him a set of tongue slap attacks to hit mid-range fighters, with the water gun used on long range fighters, including ones that try to use the environment.

Bosses in the Souls universe based on animals and mythical beasts usually have a tie in to their natural abilities/habits they use as a weapon- with examples too numerous to name. So, how about adding the frog/chameleon's use of their tongue to catch pry?

He would have a special move where he hunkers down and maybe has a slight throat bulge to indicate he is about to do something unpleasant, only for his tongue to launch out and hit the player and stick on, continually poisoning them as they are drug up to the Demon's face to get nommed for _gigantic _damage, though the player can wrestle their way out by running, rolling, or smashing the bumpers before they are brought to close. Which brings me to my final grievance and biggest missed opportunity:

* * *

**6).**_** The demon of song does not sing**_: for me, that was the biggest shortfall of my expectations and the biggest missed opportunity. You are constantly reminded in the Demon's Soul's description and his spotted whip that the demon has a surprisingly beautiful voice that he uses to lure prey to their deaths-

As I said before, I was terrified to fight this thing- the notion of an enemy with access to psychic/sound based attacks, that used its voice as a weapon made me hesitant- until I realized it was a false alarm. This boss, especially with revisions- is an awesome adversary to fight, but that doesn't change the fact there is nothing that marks him as a demon of Song-

Maybe a "Demon of Swamp" or "Demon of Toad" or "Demon of Wood" but Song?

**Solution**: Load that bitch up with psionics! The Troll Soft developers wanted a boss that took patience and strategy over brute force? Imagine if the demon had access to a form of sound wave pulse from its body, and the ability to actually sing in a gorgeous male choral voice (it's not like Troll Soft has an enormous chorus to choose from or anything) hypnotizing the player and rendering them unable to fight back, or forcing them to wander _towards_ the demon-

That would be a bit OP, but you could have something like the screen getting messed up or the controls being inverted while he is singing, disorienting the player and potentially causing them to miss an opportunity to attack or causing him to wander into the range of the Demon's attacks-

That would explain why he is so dangerous and wreak havoc in battle without being too imbalanced.

* * *

**Note by ASouffleToServeTwo**: That last one makes me think of Psycho Mantis in MGS. That fight is SO awesome, and very few games have allowed such an interconnectivity between player and game since.

What would be really cool? What if he Demon could literally take control of your player unless you turn off vibrations or unplug it from a charger? What if the song came out only through the controller? (think Dualshock 4) What if the screen went black, causing you to have to change channels to see the game?

Just a few ideas for ya. If you couldn't tell, I really love Metal Gear. I wish more games were like it! The Japanese really do make the besy games!

* * *

Yes, they do make the besyest games around X3

MGS was the only game to do justice to mind control- when my screen went blue with that "Hideo" i had no clue what was going on. Sadly, MGS was a thought intensive espionage (before the series was lobotomized by the "mo vilenc yo" pandemic) with the colonel to help you out while Dark Souls is predominantly a fighting game were you are pushed to adapt and figure things out on your own.

I'm pretty sure even the most veteran players would have no idea how to handle the situation if the freak out was that great, but i do agree with messing with the screen on top of scrambling the controls- you could more or less discern what was going on, but you would need insane adaptability to fight and dodge proficiently- especially if the controller did sing and vibrate in the player's hands.

It would let the player experience the same short-term disorientation their character is and add an interesting new level of immersivness, and that's always a plus.

Furthermore, Dark Souls is meant to be scary, and that would certainly do the trick- an unblockable attack that compromises your ability to react to the enemy, even if the effect would only last ten seconds maximum? That would do it :3

* * *

Well, this was an especially long rant, but I've had worse, Praise to the Sun! :3


	11. He's Baack

Mxthomas rage _brutality_!

* * *

IMMMMMM BAAACKKKK

**The Pursuer**:

Now this is a small note but it pissed me off on a royal scale.

The ballista's

Fucking. GOD

Those things literally win the fight for you!

It removes every last single bit of challenge from the boss!

**Solution**: REMOVE THE FUCKING BALLITA'S. GOD SAKE.

* * *

RAHAHAHAHHA BALISTAS ARE FOR THE WEAK FIGHT PURSUER BAREHANDED LIKE MAN! RAGAGAGAGAGA!

Oh- oh my I have no idea what came over me X3

Removing the ballistae may be a bit much since they actually have a lore tie in, but yeah, they do need a proper nerfing so they do a good bit of damage, but don't outright become the "press X button 2 win" as they are now.

I also think the pursuer should actually pursue you around the area and appear at random rather than being in the same predetermined spot and go "well, my job is done" when you flee said particular area.

But above all, eliminate the Twin Pursuers! What a massive letdown that was- you go through the game thinking he is THE Pursuer- who is literally so determined to kill you he _cannot die _and will go to the ends of Drangleic and beyond to get you!

That was an amazing feeling, but _nope- _prepare to be disenchanted because the Pursuer is just a _class_ of knight, there are really a bunch of them just hanging around here and there.

Anywho, that's my say so :3


	12. Taking the Knight out of Knight Souls

Some rambling by the Master of Trolling, EarthScraper:

* * *

How to fix all of the mobs:

Ok, first of all, let's start with Iron Keep because that one is easy.

Alonne Knights? Cool and all, but meh, it's the only enemy in the damn area, along with those turtle guys.

The solution? Dude, FLAMING SAMURAI. Think about it, they already us a eastern fighting style. Make em look like they are from the east. Ya know. SAMURAI. ON FIRE.

That's not all in that area. Let's add more creatures and demons! I wonder who worked all the machinery and smelters! Workers! Make em all deformed and lets have hammers fused to their arms to symbolize their eternal servitude and also because it looks pretty damn cool.

See those bull heads scattered around? Well whats wrong with giant metal bulls charging to and fro, as a homage to the metal boar from DaS 1? Nothing, that's what!

What else could we have added? How about a giant worm demon who bursts from the lava and tries to eat your face? Or an incomplete metal turtle guy who can only slam into you? With a mangled clawed arm that will attempt to spank you too? Who knows!?

Let's see, ah yes, Dragon's Aerie. A place of dickishness, filthy tracking, and stupidly overpowered Drake keepers.

The solution? Keep em, but for F*CKS SAKE change their stupid move sets. No more asshole speeds and filthy Move Canceling. I dunno what to change em to, but for Christs sakes don't rehash the Old Knights.

Speaking of which, get rid off all the variations, and add something else. Whats wrong with a goddamn Hydra instead of the trashy dragon rider? What's wrong with a, oh i don't know, a war Golem from Heides past? Maybe a harpy, a griffon, or some other winged creature. Is this game a fantasy game from soft? Then remind us then, Jesus!

There, that should be some food for thought. Sometimes I wonder if the new team have got any sort of imagination at all.

* * *

**Note From ParagonEmil**: One thing wrong with the Alonne Knights: They have TWO FUCKING SWINGS! They have a downward slash, and a thrust. That's it. Why has nobody commented on this?!

Also, there is one Drakekeeper I have a problem with. The sword one is actually kinda cool, and the halberd/shield ones remind me of the Purple Rhino cavalry from Berserk, which is Insta-win. It's the mace guy... Holy fuck, I have already stated my opinion on this sinner of game mechanics, but here it is again: SWING SWING DELAYED SWING-Animation Cancel-DOWNWARD SWING DOWNWARD SWING-Animation Cancel-CHARGE-RIPPED-STRAIGHT-FROM-SMOUGH... Except a whole lot less badass and threatening...

Also, fucking take out those Syan Knights. I mean they are cool and all in design, but they are just pure garbage in terms of challenge. THEY ARE THE NEW DARKWARITHS IN TERMS OF EASINESS TO BACKSTAB. They are slow, have dreadful tracking, barely stagger a block and are super easy to roll. Why did From do this? Did nobody play this game before releasing it?!  
Maybe not eliminate them entirely, but they should take out those slow fucking swings and replace them with more Pursuer-like movesets. I will try to make these guys more badass in my Mirror Knight story, Jesus Christ...

But yeah, good rant Scraper.

* * *

You're not to shabby yourself my cynical friend! You raise some important issues: the problem with the mobs in general, and i mean all of them, that they're "balance" is near non-existent: you see this over and over again throughout the game. They only have two settings (there are a rare few exceptions):

-Overly simplistic moves that aren't very interesting to look at or dangerous to get hit by, no special tactic is required to really fare well against them since you've seen it all before, and they have no tricks up their sleeve! (Syan Knights, the hollows in the gutter, the spiderlings of brightstone cave, and those "dragons" in the Dragon Aerie! I have not died once them in an upclose fight, I got burned to death ONCE but otherwise they have the most pitifully predictable and exploitable moves you can imagine)

-Moves are still simple- still no special and interesting abilities- but they are fucking UNSTOPPABLE! They spam guard break like no tomorrow, they appear in absolutely asinine numbers, sometimes in infinite numbers. Perfect example? Those fucking ghost legionnaires- It was a cool idea, but Troll Soft overdid it by making them appear too fast in too high numbers, and gave them the strength of a normal enemy. If you miss ONE undead and they are allowed to ring the bell, or you hit it by accident, you will be subject to an instant rush of six or seven enemies able to do and absorb a great deal of damage (and i fought them with Mastodon swords, I'd know), all of which reappear near instantly because while you're fighting them, one of the infinity respawning undead dreglings will rise from the ground and proceed to play Dragonforce on the bell to keep em coming. Worse yet, the ghosts have generic sword swings with generic pyromancies and magic- they are not fun or interesting to fight! The drakekeepers or even worse, just an infinite spam or the same goddamn move until you die- which is pretty fast because did i mention the rush is INFINITE!

Think about Dark Souls! All enemies had at least ONE memorable attack, move, or feature save the little dreglings- for example, every single black knight had a different move depending on the weapon, that whirling halberd attack that is near impossible to parry one of the coolest moves to look at and execute, and unique ONLY TO THAT HALBERD! The same goes for that grinding ultragreatsword uppercut that launches you to space if you let it hit you!

Impractical, yes- but as the Master of Trolling said _this is a fantasy game dammit!_ We _want_ insane and over the top moves, we want bizarre attack patterns that come slow but are completely unexpected, Infinite stamina is not a cool feature its a _HAX!_

* * *

EarthScraper! You're alive! Well, better recall the rescue team, then X3

I agree that this is a pretty big issue, especially after being hooked on Demon's Souls I realize the mobs in the game were very bland: there were a lot of cool armor designs, sure, but as you said, is this Dark Souls or Knight Souls?

Who knew Miyazaki's absence would have a such a massive impact on the creativity? Demon's souls had great monsters with several insane super powers and unique abilities that were almost a bigger threat than the damn boss, Dark Souls adopted a few with a slightly improved design but came up with many good one's- especially for the Artorias of the Abyss DLC- to supplement it, and Dark Souls II- I like humanoid armored knights/humanoid powerful magicians but it got very repetitive very fast.

You can make a humanoid bizarre and interesting people! Have you _seen _the Valley of Defilement? They have ragged zombies whose heads are molded after plague doctor masks- they have freaking beaks and no eyes! They may have two legs, two arms and a head- but my brain shorted when I saw they're profile, it's like "oh they have a plague mask- wait- no- nononono- that's their _head_!? Dear- die- die you unholy monstrosity!"

And even then, intermingle the humanoids with one of the ten million mythical beasts, giant creatures, and dragons available to choose from!

Geminis are not a brand new thing, but seeing the Flexile Sentry freaked me out because it was so different from anything I'd fought before- yeah he was a boss monster, but if you can come up with that for a boss what's stopping you from coming up with creative mobs! One example is, why are there no wyverns? They obviously exist in Drangleic because there are dragonriders, yet you never face one save in the Dragon Aerie?

I can't sit down and come up with interesting mobs for every map, but that's why this is a compilation piece: moar interesting enemies, we need them! :3


	13. Fighting Neo

A/N: I'm back bitches! Thank you all so much for making this the viewed Fic I have ever written at 1100 views, though this is the youngest Fiction I've thus far worked on.

After chipping away at my next Deadliest Soul entry, going down and play some Derk Suulz Too, I return with yes, more bitching about everything that I didn't like- one these are huge issues well worth writing on :3

Inspired by a rage inducing trip through Hunter's Copse a few minutes ago, you were warned.

* * *

Wait, haven't I already talked about how there are problems in the mobs- yes and no. Yes, because I talked about their lack of special abilities and interesting features, and no, because the biggest sins of them all are not on the aesthetic level, but the technical level- how the game processes their movements, the statistics for the attacks, etc. needless to say I will still talk about what we can see, but nonetheless here is the single fucking biggest problem Dark Souls 2 has: Balancing.

We've all seen it, we've all ranted on it, it is not a new thing and you may have heard what I'm going to say elsewhere but I DON'T GIVE A DAMN I WILL WRITE THIS ANYWAY!

* * *

**1). Tracking is dead**: It's only natural the first problem would be the worst (see what I did there). I didn't notice it for the longest time- but after playing Demon's souls for awhile then coming back, I finally realized it-

The tracking in this game? Terrible? Hohohoho EarthScraper, you may be the master of trolling but you'd have to be absolutely retarded to think the tracking in this game is bad. The tracking is _odius!_ It is _abominable!_ This has the worst tracking I have ever seen in a Souls game- worse than the last two combined.

They wanted to relieve backstab fishing, I understand that- an admirable goal, well congratulations Troll Soft, you get the year's award for ultimate overkill! The tracking is just so- fucking _preposterously_ good- this is a game where the enemies can literally _defy the laws of physics_ to intercept you.

Yes, they can't have a quote "perfect" walking animation, so you will receive a moment where you see their feet slide over the ground, I understand that, but it should be a brief moment when they target you- not fucking ice skating over the dirt!

The larger creatures and humanoids show this problem the most- _they are_ _immune to friction! _That is the only explanation, how else are they able to turn faster than I can sprint just to keep me from getting around them? The Drakekeepers especially: they don't even move their feet! They just continue to attack, then proceed to turn on their axis to continue attacking while homing in on you!

For a few creatures like The Rotten- who has no feet, it makes sense but good god everything can do it! like those Ogre's from the aforementioned Hunter's Copse- can't tell you how many times I've had them hit my shield as I was moving over to the side, then had them suddenly jerk to the side to stand face to face and hit me again!

Yes, it lowers backstab fishing, but fighting some enemies head on isn't a piece of cake and being able to outmaneuver them is the only thing I have!

**Solution**: Go back to the realistic tracking! For fucks sake it wasn't broken to begin with- some enemies in Dark Souls like the Black Knight pushed the envelope at points, but a great many of the really large enemies were pretty easy to outmaneuver- but that's why they have great armor, health, and attack power!

Giving the enemies the ability to turn and home in as fast as the lightest weight enemy with all the benefits of a heavy weight enemy is like giving a missile launcher the firing speed of a submachinegun- with aimbot.

There were a few, like the Old Knight swordsmen that did it right- they get caught midswing but still take a slight bow in my direction as they step into the attack. It looks realistic and considering the dead angling on their blade, it does succeed in hitting me if is stand to close pretty often, that's okay because did I mention IT'S REALISITC.

Furthermore, you already improved the dead angling so why did you improve tracking as well- to make enemies much more efficient at hitting you while making them much more efficient at hitting you?

Dead Angles- yes if it fits the weapon, huge tracking boost, no.

That, and the gold skeletons of the Shrine of Storms simply blocked and strafed around when you charged them, locking you in a battle of the strafing until he chose to attack- do that! At least it's better than the fucking anti-gravity pinwheel of doom.

* * *

**2). The character is too clumsy**: This needs little elaboration: heavy weapons have been nerfed into the ground because the dev team thought it'd be funny to make them near impossible to control- though enemies are able to throw large weapons around with inane accuracy like it's destiny's calling!

What's that? You strafed an enemy and now want to attack, better have your charter flip sideways and get locked into attacking the fucking wall!

Basically, if you want to use a light weapon standing two foot from the enemy, be our guest- if you use a large strait sword for stunlocking power, go fuck yourself.

**Solution**: The character tracking was not broken! Unbreak it and make it the way it was! Large weapons are already penalized for speed and telegraphing, why are you making them a fuckton less accurate for the lols as well? Why do you keep fucking double buffing/double penalizing combat- it's all such a convoluted, clusterfucked mess it's no wonder you can't balance PvP for shit!

* * *

**3). Enemies, why you no stunlock**: This is self-explanatory: there are a lot of enemies that you cannot- will not stunlock- not even with an ultra greatsword, whose only true boon is stunlocking. If you played Dark souls II, you can name at least _one_ enemy you wailed on- only to get crushed because surprise, they have 9001 poise and you done fucked up!

Oh, and did I mention that of course the enemies have the stunlock power of a nuclear powered sledgehammer? And you can barely interrupt attacks anymore?

**Solution:** rebalance the whole thing, enough said.

* * *

**4). Enemy reaction time is bullshit**: this is the truest sin of the combat for mobs as it brings all the aforementioned problems together into perfect harmony:

Enemies have bizarre stunlocking and I-frames for recovering from damage, allowing them to fight when they should be locked in place or turning-

Insane tracking allows them to completely obliterate the time it takes to turn and attack you- a problem especially noticeable on the larger enemies.

Your character has a delay to perform a variety of actions due to adaptability- and since you spent your stamina "stunlocking" them, you are effectively completely defenseless.

I can't tell you how many times I've been at low health and attempted to evade an enemy, only for a culmination of idiocy to completely wipe out the telegraphing on their attacks

Rather than nitpick technicalities, I'll give you an enemy that exemplifies this as they have _all_ of these traits- which forced me to ragequit recently. You want to hear the name?

Prepare yourself- I pray you have your last will and testaments sorted out-

It's the Black Witch Domino. If you were unaware of the enemy's name, let me enlighten you:

remember that set of six enemies with the long pole weapon?

The one's by the Executioner's chariot

…

For those of you just tuning in, hear that scream of rage rising over the hills alongside the sound of a hundred million tables being flipped with a hundred million consoles getting smashed- that's from the people who remember these fuckers.

I needn't describe it to you- a little more health and _one_ of them could stand in a miniboss- in fact, that's what they _should _have done-

These guys- they- you'd have to fight them to understand. I wasn't fighting an enemy I was fighting _Neo_- a creature that could hit without warning over a 360 degree angle, has uninterruptable attacks beyond normal melee range, and has a habit of jumping away from me as I attack- only to lunge forward and bust out a three or four hit combo and has _no cooldown time _with a weapon of ungodly attack power and speed, and to add insult to injury there are six of them!

I got so fed up with their melee bullshit I did the most taboo thing in all of Dark Souls next to double Avelyns- only the Dark Chasm of Old and it's rampant gankings and instadeath pits had previously forced me to such lengths: I drew the Dragonslayer bow and Iron Greatarrows, and used the knockback to kill them off before they could close the distance!

And yes- I did knock enemies into the pits in the Dark Chasm of Old from ambush with said tactics! And I don't apologize either!

**Solution**: Again- the system was not broken! You thought the Souls games were getting too "easy" so you made the enemies recover much faster and proficiently track and hit to put up a much better fight, okay. But you're missing an important fact: they are _not_ boss monsters, they are supposed to be roadblocks not concrete walls!

The Black Witch Domino and those fucking Mummies have killed me ten times more often than the bosses have!

Maybe I'm bitching about the game being too hard- maybe I'm angry and my points are invalid- but even then, these enemies are hard in the wrong way: they are made far more difficult because the core game mechanics are rigged to back you into a corner, refer to the previous chapters in terms of how they should be done right…

Thus concludes another chapter of this disasterpiece, hope you enjoyed! :3


	14. Where the what at?

A super quickie by ParagonEmil…

* * *

Hey, just a quick addition to your "Darker Souls" fic:

Every Dark Souls 2 item description ever:

"SHIT IS OLD AND WE HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT'S HERE."

POST IT

* * *

Yup, that really summarizes my great big pile of complaints on item placement. There are a lot of copypasted armors and weapons- the good Ol' Flamberge, Uchigatana, and Moonlight weapon have been with us since the days of Demon's Souls, which is fine because they are often reincarnated and repurposed (Oolan and her white bow became Pharis and her black Bow) because you can't have infinite weapon designs and a lot of the hand-me-downs were really cool.

But for fucks sake at least give them a reason for being there! In Dark Souls, and to a lesser extent Demon's Souls since they were still figuring shit out, everything had a reason for existing and why it was placed where it was- like the Black Iron set rests on a body in the painting hall: because it reveals why Tarkus didn't go all the way: because he died! Fell from the rafters because Gravity's an asshole.

The item placement in this game is just- it's like they spun the wheel of fortune to discover what copypaste location they felt like sticking it into. Miyazaki- if you can hear us, please come back!

Bring back the creativity and dense lore!

We need you- we need you so much, but after you complete Bloodbourne :3


	15. Dawn of the Skelingtons

Mxthomas rage _ultimate special attack ten hit combo maximum critical damage!_

* * *

My rage is that of the fires of hell.

INFINITE.

Skeleton lords

I was very disappointed with this boss fight for mostly two reasons.

#1- The actual bosses were utter pushovers and their own attacks did such little damage that a shield was all but redundant in this fight. Their Pyromancy was weak...

Just so weak. They're utter trash if you have some ranged attacks .

#2- The skeletons don't respawn even before the skeleton lords are dead!

Maybe the fight would have been made more challenging if the bone-wheels respawned.

I guess its just the fact they add up to the final health-bar?

**Solution-** Respawn the Skeletons! Make it to where you keep having to kill them until the boss bar is empty THEN the fight ends and you have to pick off the stragglers.

Well that's my opinion anyway

* * *

I agree! I completely agree! The Skeleton Lords are one of my favorite bosses, but they are too easy to kill, it's very sad!

I think what should happen is that instead of each Skeleton Lord dying and unleashing a group of skelingtons that never respawn or go anywhere, return to the necromancers of Dark Souls 1!

Imagine if you entered the room, then had them all launch those burning skulls into the air from their thrones, then had them dramatically descend as the armies of skeletons rise. Killing the skeletons would cause them to instantly respawn in a random part of the room, meaning you will almost always be surrounded unless you march the skelingtons around the room in a parade without killing them.

Another major thing, _buff their melee!_ It's okay to have them easily stunlocked, but they need more health and greater melee abilities so while there may be a skelington army after you, the wizards themselves don't drop like flies when you close the distance!

I want there to be a tactical element: each one raises a different skeleton (the same as before) so you may want to eliminate some skeletons before others (likely the bonewheels first) but at the same time each has a different specialty with their weapon.

For example, the one with the giant axe that summons bonewheels could have great attack power and speed with all the dead angles with his axe, but have very weak pyromancy, the one with the Roaring Halberd that summons the duel wield skeletons could have a really strong flamethrower attack and fireballs, but be weaker at melee when you close the distance. There's a third one- but I don't remember him well, but you see my point X3

Also- flight. Give them the Pinwheel effect where they float into the air and hover back a bit when they leave stunlock to mix things up.

It would pressure you a lot because the skeletons are after you and depending on the lord you're fighting you could have a pretty hard time breaking through with melee, but remember that slaying a lord will cause all his followers to drop since he is a necromancer, so it doesn't get too overwhelming.

Very nice, your rage is always welcome :3

* * *

**Note from LoyalToTheLegion**: The idea is good, but what if they completely redesigned the lords. Like Pinwheels mask's, each lord represents a differing aspect such as rage, greed and pride. Rage being a towering knight using a big ass sword, who summons the shield skeletons ( he wields a halberd). After he falls( and his skeletons become kill able...) the next lord enters. Greed could be dressed either as the 'court' jester or a noble man with no armour but powerful pyromancy with his dual wielding skeletons (Mage staff). Finally, the final lord is a pyromancy warrior hybrid dressed like a king to represent pride (Finally, the king uses the scythe). He can be the most resilient and have the wheel skeletons. When he dies and there are no opponents remaining you win.

* * *

Hello there! I think you're the first one outside the DSS to pose a new idea. I personally like the set-up as is, but that's nonetheless a cool way to interpret the lords and some of the best bosses the Souls series ever produced were based around symbolism like that :3


	16. Hide yo wife hide yo kids

Mxthomas Kaioken x 100 super Saiyan 4 Gogeta fusion!

* * *

You ready?

You sure?

ART THOU BODY READY KNAVE?!

Ok...

Here it comes...

You asked for it...

Crossbreed Priscilla

Yes, im complaining about this.

Now I don't know if all of you know this but, in the games files Priscilla had a lot of cut content.

But did you know she was actually supposed to be your ally?

The reason im pissed is the fact that they removed this content, she was an interesting character who would have an interesting story to her if they didn't make her an optional boss who called Satan's bus wheels friendly.

**Solution**- Re-insert the cut content.

That is all.

* * *

But- everyone wubs teh bonewheels! bOnw33l iS liFe BoNW33l Is LuV3 (e_0)

Yeah, the answer is really that simple: Priscilla deserves to be more than an optional boss tucked away in scenic Ariamis.

For that matter, bring back all the cut content! Why in the fuck did they create all this positive dialogue then cut it because "har har har this is Dark Souls, you can't feel _good_ about yourself!"

Or at last have Dark Souls not-pitch-black-but-still-pretty-dark edition!


	17. Caboose on the Loose!

The master of Trolling returns:

* * *

Royal Swordsman - Oh my god From...

Who else hates these? Who else hates these with a goddamn passion?

BECAUSE I FUCKING DESPISE THESE DICKS.

Remember the Bastard Sword Hollows in the forest of fallen giants? Annoying sure, but Christ alive, these guys take the cake.

Retarded tracking skills that cold only be achieved if they had heat-seeker missiles shoved up their ass.

Dirty hit boxes and can only match Kilik from Soul Calibur 4 for how fucking wide they are. And that damned down slam is that having a telephone pole brought down on you. THAT HITBOX.

But the best thing? they take zerg rushing to a whole new level. YOU WILL HARDLY EVER FIND THESE GUYS ON THEIR OWN.

First encounter with these? Lost Bastille. Remember? You open the door? And they are standing there, all like "Oh Hai! We'll fucking cut you now! :)"

They ALL come out to greet you at once, and they will promptly gang bang you like it was their destinies calling. If I am a mage, you ask?

WELL LUCKY YOU, YOU BETTER HAVE SOUL SPEAR.

Drangleic castle NG+ is a fucking chore to deal with. You have got;

- Two Mastodon Knights

- Two crossbow guys

- That goddamn, son of a bitch, fuck face of a drakekeeper black phantom (Why, WHY is he there? Of all places!?)

AND THEN, after you kill 1 (ONE) of those crossbow swordsman,

"SEND THE WHOLE FUCKING ARMY AFTER HIM" booms Vendrick, "THAT CROSSBOW GUY WAS MY NUMBER ONE BITCH."

Then a squad of four of those assholes come out in a infinite stream. If ur2slo you gonna have a bad time.

And a bleeding anus for a good while.

And IF you get past that? A reference to Crossbreed Priscilla of course!

"We treat all our guests with honor."

FUCK RIGHT OFF, CHANCELLOR.

HOW TO FIX THEM

Re work them. For gods sake, fix EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM.

Though getting rid of them all together won't cause someone to lose their lunch or anything.

* * *

Love Wellangar because he sells me INFINITE LIGHTNING AND MAGIC ARROWS which on my Dragonrider bow is the shit, otherwise:

"We treat our guests with honor!"

"Oh thank you, start 'honoring' by fucking alerting your butt buddies charging up the stairs to kill me!"

Total AI overhaul is a good idea, lowering their bullshit numbers_** or**_ nerfing their strength to the ground is mandatory :3

* * *

Wut, you thought we were done? Guess again bitch!

* * *

Another one

Covenants.

While they arn't a great deal in this game, a few come to mind when I think about them.

Brotherhood of Blood- Yay, new Darkwraiths, woot.

"Yeah, 500 kills plz for top rank."

Holy shit wait what? 500!? It better be a good reward...

"Great Chaos Fireball. And neon glow."

Shit.

"Exactly."

It's probably easier (and arguably quicker) to just get to NG+2. Seriously, 500 kills? I know pvp is alot quicker on this game, but Christ alive, IN THE ARENA ONLY? That is like the pot of build cancer in this game. Still at least you have infinite tries at it, and it's doable.

Fix - Maybe 250 kills? Seems more reasonable with the sheer amount of cancer builds out there. And the crap rewards.

Blue Sentinels - We heard you had alot of time on your hands?

Oh god. Darkmoon Police were hard to get going at times, but jesus, these guys are insane. I once waited an HOUR to get summoned, only to get dced by the host.

And it gets worse for them. They have an arena too, sure. But getting 500 kills is even HARDER for them. While the BoBs don't pay, they only need a pass, BS need a pass AND have to pay. So that means they have to go and either wait for an hour to help and AoB, or just co-op for a bit.

Utter Shite.

Fix - Either fuse the Apostles and Sentinels together so it is easier to get summoned or make them only need a pass. If neither of them, they defiantly NEED the kill reduction to about 250.

Heirs to the Sun.

Best covenant sure thing, but the only qualm I have with it is the dull glow. make them brighter! Hell add fucking disco lights if you must, we ant invaders to know "THOU HAST COMETH TO THE WRONG KINGDOM, KNAVE."

* * *

Well this one needs little commentary :3

One thing though: you join the Dragon Remnants by talking to the explorer guy, why? We need an explanation!

*sigh* I am too tired to be writing right now, time for muh coffees

Coming Soon: Scrolls vs Souls chapter 5: The best of all demons, Kappa :3


	18. Happy Story Time!

Oh, Hi there readers! It's time to sit down and enjoy another episode of _Mxthomas rage bitch! *nuclear explosions dinosaurs riding unicorns over rainbows on fire*_

_Welcome to your nightmare! You just can't walk away. It's time for you, to choose, your fate! You just can't let it lay!_

_-Anthrax- A.I.R_

* * *

MOAR

NG+ Huntsman's corpse

Oh...god.

Why...

Seriously, its a mother fucking gank fest in there!

I seriously just gave up on trying to get to the Executioners chariot boss room because of the fucking whip and sickle guys all being red fucking phantoms!

And the damage that the rouge archers do is equal to that of a l Sniper Rifle wielded by an S.A.S Marksmen.

Solution: Nerf them...

Just fucking nerf them...

* * *

Yes! Nerf them, for the love of god why did they make every fucking one an infinitely respawning red phantom, why!? X3

A lost part just now resurfaced:

* * *

(I actually forgot to include this)

Velstadt, The Royal Asshole *cough* I mean Aegis...

This actually isn't about the boss. This is about the big ass room that leads to him.

Oh...my...god...

The Syan knights are not the problem, its the damn ghosts!

If I didn't know about that bell at the bottom of the stairs...

And before you ask, No, you cannot and will not bum-rush this room.

Because those two spear/halberd guts at the top of the stairs are un-bait able and will just stunlock your ass back to Majula.

But really.

That damn hollow at the bell is like Isaac Clarke

The bell is the Battery Cell

The ghosts are the Necromorphs

And YOU are the Security team...

If you know that game...you know how that ends...

**Solution-** But the bell in a more obvious location or at least make the damn thing visible.

* * *

Oh god, the nightmares, the nightmares are returning! I heard that fucking bell and knew it was summoning those scumbag ghosts, but i couldn't figure out where it was, took me almost an hour before i _finally_ checked under the stairs and murdered the fuck out out Isaac Clarke, and continued to do so forever and ever.

At least give us a hint, Yui! Some line of dialogue of piece of lore that tells us what the bells are and how to find the damn things! X3


	19. Return of the Rage

THE RAGE NEVER DIES.

Shrine of Amana.

Magic spam.

Magic spam everywhere...

Basically you have to run through knee-high water while getting hunted down by heat seeking missiles which are cast by mages that will target you looooooooooooooong before you target them. And tiny lizard people that you HAVE to target to properly spot them.

Bum-rushing?

We cant have that here :3

And you are rewarded with!...

A lack-luster boss.

Really From?

Really?

* * *

Re-tool the boss, up the lore, and lower the infinite super range of the magic. And for the love of Christ almighty lower the water level! :3


	20. Spooky Ghosts!

Mxthomas rage… RAGE!

* * *

1 Issue here.

Just one.

It would seem that the souls games suffer from "The-computer-is-a-cheating-bastard" syndrome.

Your attacks?

Bounce right off walls as they should.

Enemies' attacks?

FUCK YOUR PITIFUL PHYSICS

Solution: Remove the clipping.

Dear god...

* * *

I'm for that, or at least fixing the enemies so they actually obey the laws of the game :3


End file.
